These days we are dodging lies, assaults on our democratic life, wars and inept politicians. And now this: death by framing! As some of you know, I like art. I buy it and I produce it. As a result of this affliction, I more than occasionally frame artwork. But retail frame shops charge big bucks, so I often poke around various second-hand emporia looking for usable frames for my do-it-yourself mode.
Once I have a frame in hand, I fix it, cut out the backing, get glass cut at Ace Hardware and put it all together. For the grand finale, I buy some screw eyes, put them in the frame, stretch some picture wire between them and the artwork is ready to place on the wall. This activity seems benign at first glance. But no. This activity may be taking my life in my hands. Let me explain.
Recently I went to Ace Hardware to get some screw eyes. I get the packet with five large screw eyes and five smaller screw eyes. This has always been a puzzle to me—why any screw eye manufacturer would package an odd number of screw eyes, since any screw eye user knows full well that screw eyes are used in pairs—one screw eye placed on the left side of the frame and one similarly placed on the right side.
But worse things are in store. While waiting for my wife to get a few groceries at the Palace Market, I decided to read the fine print on the back of the screw eye packet. It caused a bit of dread.
The first paragraph warned me that there was no guarantee that the screw eyes therein would hold up the framed picture. In other words, if the picture fell off the wall and hit my toe and broke it, I would be out of luck. It warned me not to overload the screw eyes, but nowhere on the package was there any notice of what weight the screw eyes would actually support. Five ounces? Five pounds? A kilogram?
The second paragraph put a further chill in my spine. It noted, darkly, that use of these screw eyes might cause cancer or be bad for my reproductive organs. That’s a lot of worry for just a couple of turns of a screw eye. Maybe I need to get some rubber surgical gloves or a face mask to make sure I don’t breathe in any cancer-causing contaminants. Now I am also worried about the twisted wire connecting the cancer-causing screw eyes: can I get lockjaw if one of those teeny wires pierced my skin? Can one die of aluminum poisoning?
As you might have guessed, these screw eyes are made in China. What do the Chinese screw eye makers know that we don’t?
Artists, just don’t stand there. From now on, before you frame your own artwork, check with your attorney or insurance company. Why take chances? We need all the artists we can get!
Ed Schwartz and his wife, Bambi, live in Inverness and Mexico.