New parking tickets for Bolinas

11/07/2013

The Bolinas Border Patrol is cracking down on obnoxious drivers by issuing  tickets for those cases of “truculent, selfish or narcissistic parking” that plagues the beach town’s streets. The situation has become so dire as to call for Malibu Rules, the hippie’s version of martial law. Parts of Bolinas are following the laws of its “exemplary” sister city to the south in allowing residents to park for extended periods for up to 72 hours in otherwise short-term parking. Why? Because, well, “local residents are special,” Michael Rafferty wrote in last week’s issue of the Bolinas Hearsay News. Outsiders will be kept on the move by new timed parking spaces on either side of the post office, so Bolinas residents will finally be able to “pick up your mail, shop for a book, buy a house, purchase dog food and yarn, surf or get some much needed liquor or candy.” For those who disobey the rules—blocking emergency or fire access, parking for excessive time or simply being rude or selfish—border patrol members or any other individual will be placing parking violations and citations on car windshields. The accused have a chance to respond with four options that they can mail to the patrol’s parking authority. They are: (1) I plead guilty to narcissistic parking. Please forgive me. I will try to do better next time. (2) Self-assessed fine of $___ enclosed. Funds will be used to maintain clean streets. (3) !#@%* you. Who the #%@* do you think you are? (4) I am special, and my excuse is…. The tickets are available for free at the Bolinas Book Exchange. “Simply put one of these tickets under the windshield-wiper of the offending vehicle, and walk away whistling,” Mr. Rafferty said.